Blessings of the Holy Mother
BY: HASYA MUKHI DEVI DASI
Her danda in hand, The Holy Mother calls for questions
after her lecture on Oneness
Jul 09, 2011 — GLOBAL (SUN) — My readers, fans and disciples will be in absolute bliss to know that my pamphlet, My Long Road to The Holy Throne has sold over two dozen copies to date and it is being turned into a four-minute film on YouTube. And now, after the success of my pamphlet promotion tour, I've been pegged by The Holy Mother to travel with her Mother Earth World Safari as one of her Premmies! We'll be coming to your local ISKCON center soon.
And in exchange for your voluntary contributions, we'll give you an official Rule Book with Dress Code autographed by The Holy Mother Herself! The Holy Mother will be sharing her realizations, "Make Me One With Everything." To drive home her unique ideas of Universal Oneness, she will show an inspiring film about the Dalai Lama.
But first, what is a Premmie, you ask? In a word, we Premmies are traveling companions who accompany ISKCON's most avant garde spiritual sensation, The Holy Mother. To curb unnecessary criticism of their die-hard traditionalist policies, our GBC in their wisdom now feels the need for all three genders and innumerable religions to be represented as spiritual leaders in ISKCON. Hence, The Holy Mother, who is gay and who is traveling with her wife, was a natural choice for the GBC to promote.
To enforce the necessary codes of conduct, we Premmies serve the society as the Enforcement and Re-education Squad. Over the years, devotees have been guilty of developing their own vocabulary and body language. In order to keep our guest(s) from looking upon us as a cult, there is a dire need for some strict lessons in re-orientation.
For starters, here are a few hints of what you can expect at your local ISKCON center when The Holy Mother comes to town. A $50 fine will be assessed on the spot against first time offenders who break any of the rules. Habitual reprobates will be dragged to the ashram to have their feet screwed into the floor.
- Please note that the Holy Mother is strictly against tilak, as you can see from her picture above. She finds it degrading to have people in her presence with their faces painted like a tribe of primitive savages. However, fashionable New Age jewelry such as eyelid rings, Maori chin tattoos and lip studs are acceptable.
- Any devotee who tries to explain to guests that their bodies are bags of stool will be summarily found guilty as charged. It is also a punishable offense to refer to the commode as the "stool room" or to say "pass water." The Holy Mother does, however, encourage scatological slang and unconventional language when designating such places, so that we can fit in comfortably with our cherished guest(s).
- The Holy Mother instructs that rather than preach to the karmis, have them speak to you so that you can emulate their subtle mannerisms and innuendo. Try to get them to discuss in great detail everything concerning their private affairs. There is so much you can learn.
- Females must not wear saris or cover their heads. The Holy Mother prefers creative hair dos that express liberation of women, such as shaving half your head bald, and carving a death skull on the scalp and dying the hairy side of your head atomic orange.
- As far as the dress code of the brahmacharis is concerned, the wearing of primitive dhotis can by no means any longer be considered acceptable. The Holy Mother's Codes of Divine Guidance, rule # 607.C (part 4) clearly states that brahmacharis should follow the example of our acharyas, like Shrila Acharyadeva himself. Untutored as they are in fashion, our celibates are encouraged to learn about proper dress codes from this article.
- Brahmacharis will be expected to hold hands with lady guests during the three hour meditation sessions. All guests should be given a New Age-y hug as soon as they enter the temple door. Also, when The Holy Mother gives each devotee a hug, you will be expected to respond by saying, "I love you, Holy Mother."
- Re-channeled Thinking Workshops (RTW's) which are based upon methods used by North Koreans when praying before their Great Leader, will be conducted by Premmies for a small fee. It is only right that the Holy Mother be given every bit as much respect as His Eminence Kim Il-sung. Anyone who disagrees will have his family members arrested for seven succeeding generations.
Kim Il-sung: Mentor of The Holy Mother
- Fire is banned at the arotik ceremony as it is too neanderthal. But to appear modern and upscale, all guests are encouraged to turn on their cell phone lights and wave them in the air while meditating on the void.
- Kirtan will consist of Juju chants of East Nigeria sung to the woodland spirits. The feast will consist of pranayama exercises, or air. All are encouraged to breathe to their heart's content.
And that's just the start, Prabhus. There is so much more to look forward to in this new approach to Krishna Consciousness, brought to you by the GBC and the Holy Mother. Thanks for your co-operation towards a wonderful evening of spiritual love and joy in an atmosphere that is both uncontroversial and eclectic. See you there! Blessings of The Holy Mother upon each one of you.
The Premmies at break time. Cigarettes are strictly prohibited.
However, to appear fashionable, cigars are not only allowed, but encouraged.
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