HASYA MUKHI DEVI DASI
Hasya Mukhi's Samadhi will dwarf the world's tallest buildings
Nov 25, 2011 — MOGADISHU, SOMALIA (SUN) —
My dear Hasya Mukhi dd,
Please accept my blessings. Thank you for sending the new manuscript of your future best seller, Prabhupada and Me. However, I think that there are already seventeen other books with similar titles. Why not call it Me and Prabhupada, since the book is more about you anyway. Yes, as you have stated, the purpose of such books is to posture yourself next to the acharya so that the reader will be lead to conclude that you as the author are the next acharya. This is a very good strategy to fool the gullible public and to create cheap disciples. Another strategy is your use of familiar dialogue, such as the line "Me and Swamiji sat around and laughed a lot together." Congratulations for coming to that point.
Yes, I have met with your architect to see the plans for your "Hasya Mukhi Land Samadhi and Theme Park." Your samadhi should become the world's tallest building with a five star restaurant on the sky deck, helipad and bungi jumping platform. As you have stated, this will be a samadhi to die for. I approve of the plan that each floor should have busts of great heroes who have contributed to World Peace like the President Obama, the wise Potentates of Africa, the Royal Family of England and Oprah Winfrey.
Please encourage all your friends, followers and well-wishers to mortgage their houses to the hilt to pay for it. Recently one of our swamis in India was very successful with such a programme. The abundance of wealth has given him ample free time to create thousands more wise proverb posters similar to the ones you will see below.
Yes, please continue to work with the GBC to establish new sampradayas. You are very correct in your understanding that the rules and regulations -- as well as the philosophy -- are only meant for dumb, inferior, disposable members of the organization and not for you self-appointed leaders. In order for you to change the philosophy to whatever suits you there is no question of actually believing in Krishna consciousness anyway. Therefore, the GBC should continue to modify the philosophy however it suits them and to their advantage.
In this regard I would especially like to draw your attention to the Midday Meal Programme. Please continue to have karmis deliver the lunch and do not divulge to the innocent children that the source of their fortune is Hare Krishna. No devotee should accompany the delivery of the foodstuffs. If these innocent children discover that we are behind this, they may become devotees and that would ruin their adulation of India's nationalistic heroes like Amitabha Bacchan and Mother Teresa. The key to a brighter future for these children is for them to spend over a dozen years memorizing the glories of the Nehru dynasty, the important contributions of foreign cultures and Buddhism to India's heritage, and other essential facts they can't live without. Let them learn how the independent Indian government was so quick to act and only took fifty years to change the selling of "Calcutta" to "Kolkata."
Yes, I am very pleased with the innovation of worshipping Goddess Durga alongside a credit card machine in front of the Deities. Why has this not yet been implemented in every temple? This programme should be instituted at once because as you have realized, the purpose of religion is to make money. There should even be a credit card machine outside of each guest toilet. Any misguided members who do not agree with this programme should be banned by order of the GBC, exactly the way the Catholic Church banned such heretics. There are too many devotees anyway and the herd must be culled by whatever means possible. Yes, you were correct in your observation that ISKCON has been created for the pleasure of a few rich GBC members. Too many inferiors are simply fouling the atmosphere and ruining the enjoyment of our leaders.
I hope that this year, His Divine Grace Shrila Acharyadeva will be invited to return to the GBC wearing his turquoise polo shirt. He can play European classical music to entertain the assembly while they feast. Implore him to come, provided he is not too busy blessing gay marriages. Since the GBC never formally objected to such blessings and continue to call him Acharyadeva, we can understand their minds. Some of the GBC men may also like to marry each other and Acharyadeva's blessings will be required.
Yes, the Bumper Sticker Swami programme is so important that it has grown into a new sampradaya. So please research thousands of other meaningless, witless and hackneyed clichés to place next to beaming likenesses of our many poster swamis. If our swamis are unable to come up with their own inane sayings, then simply obtain genuine quotes from the shastras and these can be easily be attributed to any swami whose disciple has mastered Photoshop. You can go online to the Quotation Dictionary or Martha Stewart's Recipes and include these in your next book, Divine Wisdom of Hasya Mukhi Devi Dasi. And remember the motto, "Honk if you like Bumper Sticker Swamis."
"Honk if you like Bumper Sticker Swamis." Beep! Beep!
Yes, you are most correct in your observation that the real need of the day is World Peace. Again, this can only be obtained by inventing cute heart-warming sayings. It is my desire that my disciples become world prophets who can summon all the religious and political leaders of the world together and give them all a good spanking. Such plans only can save the world:
So-o-o profound: Only the GBC can save the world
And just remember that this year at Mayapur, there should be a special session of meetings and feasts for our elite squadron of the GBC Emeritus. Please send a private jet with wheelchairs for our retired generals like GBC Emeritus Harikesa. His Divine Grace Shrila Harikesa can attend with his eternal consort, Madame Emeritus. Don't forget that he is scheduled to be the recipient of the "GBC It Can't Happen Here" award.
Recipient of the "It Can't Happen Here" award, His Divine Grace Shrila Harikesa Vishnupada
(l.) as GBC (r.) as GBC Emeritus with Madame Emeritus
Let others on the GBC who enjoy keeping thousands of photos of their lotus feet getting bathed in strawberry yoghurt continue to cultivate their programmes of "profit, distinction and adulation" so that in the future they can become as advanced as Harikesa And maybe Shrila Acharyadeva can also bless hetero-sexual marriages!
Your ever well-wisher,
"Hell-o, Hasya Mukhi? This is Bhakta Bob. Your GBC will be arriving by the evening flight!
If you can't get a sankirtan party to the airport, just pay some karmis to dress up in dhotis.
The GBC can't tell the difference anyway."
Replies
Please accept my blessings. I have noted that your twin nephews have been named Ranko and Phylo. It is good that in this way they are being taught from birth that they will never rise above the rank and file. According to the Shrimad GBC Shastra, certain jiva souls are eternally bound to serve the GBC and their deputed acharyas. This is their constitutional position, which can never be changed. Occasionally due to the influence of Maya, such a subordinate and inferior soul mistakes that there is a sense of equality due to believing that he is part and parcel of Krishna. Who has given this misconception?
One example of this rascaldom is the foolish argument given by Krishna-kirtan dasi recently in the Sun. Unnecessarily she...
It is good that such chronic complainers have been dismissed from devotee association as such ignorance can never be cured in any fashion except by further authorized beatings. Therefore I am encouraging the GBC to immediately institute a Rank and File Mantra and Oath of Allegiance that subordinates like you (and anyone who knows you) may chant three times a day.
I have noted several objections here in the Sun by such rank and file who object to being called 'rank and file', even though the GBC has authorized this description. Whatever the GBC authorizes must be the Absolute Truth and for this reason, Istagosthi has been deemed no longer necessary. What is the use the opinion of a rank and file like you when only the GBC is the Ultimate Authority?
In order to keep rank and file members satisfied we have established posts such as Yoghurt and Strawberries Minister at foot bathing ceremonies, Massage Minister, Silk Dhoti Washing Minister, Rolex Minister, etc. And still you rank and file peons are not pleased. As it is said, "The rank and file. Can't live with them. Can't live without them!" But as far as we are concerned, there is no paucity of rank and file and as many as we can show the door to, others will enter by the other door.
Yes, I have noted that the Catholic Church has decided to canonize some of the previous acharyas of ISKCON in the ‘80's due to several unexplained miracles that have been witnessed at their samadhis. The Vatican has stated that it is only proper that such acharyas should be made into saints, since at this stage no one can tell the difference between ISKCON and the Catholic Church, anyway. As far as such saints are concerned, they have already declared themselves acharya and paramhamsa, so why not saint? Just be sure that the art department paints halos around their heads in all future depictions. ISKCON saints that are still living may keep a battery operated halo behind their heads during feetwash ceremonies.
Please have the GBC continue their discussions regarding changing the name of ISKCON to ISCORP. After that, we may discuss trading shares in the company on Wall Street.
I hope that this meets you in the best of health.