Healthy Bowel Movements the Vedic Way Prof. Hasya Mukha Dasi, B.M.

[Welcome]

Well, I finally made it out of Mogadishu. One day on the Net I learned about the Vedic Studies Programmes at the Manor, so I sent the GBC an e-mail offering to lend my expertise to their Vedic College. Naturally when the learned leaders there found out about my ability to teach Vedic College classes, they sent me a first-class ticket. And why not? If the Manor can hold Vedic classes on "Ahimsa" and "Woman's Power to Heal", I know that what I have to share will fit right in.

Here's my course:

Healthy Bowel Movements the Vedic Way
Prof. Hasya Mukha Dasi, B.M.

Enjoying regular and healthy bowel movements has not been discussed enough. This course will address the taboo on this important subject and will show you how you can take 50 years off your aging cycle. More people commit suicide in Pago Pago due to poor bowel flow than for any other reason. Anal retentiveness has been blamed for mental imbalance in the studies of the citizens of Poughkeepsie, NY, hence the town's name. Newly discovered diaries of Genghis Khan reveal that it was due to a need to find a good laxative that prompted him to conquer most of Asia and much of Europe. These are just a few of the reasons that "Healthy Bowel Movements the Vedic Way" will change your life. You will find that you want to get up and live again, have fun and be that go-getter you once were.

Our course teaches the Vedic methodology and model for a healthy lifestyle centered upon daily emptying of your digestive tract. Teachings are based upon the esoteric practices learned from Swami Suchagoodguy. Swamiji left his kibbutz in Israel at the age of 8 and set off for India in search of the very methods we teach in this class.

We will offer demonstrations of the do's and don't's of intelligent bowel management (IBT). The IBT experiences shared by former graduates will bring tears to your eyes. So bring your tissues…and lots of them! Past graduates of this course have found that they can easily talk to their kids' teachers, their church group, their pastor or rabbi, political representatives and even strangers on the bus about the yogic methods of emptying their intestines. It's so easy. You just find a lonely passenger on the train, sit down with a pleasant smile and tell him/her, "Have you heard the good news?" You'll be wonderstruck by the results.

So successful has this course been that Bowelmania has spread throughout many towns of the English countryside as graduates carry the news of their experiences at Manor courses to shops, offices and to the doors of grateful residents. We will even come to your home and offer toilet blessings (with no extra charge for blessing bidets!)

You'll feel good about yourself once again, so get to know that inner you that's been longing for recognition since your Mom changed your diapers. Hurry, space is limited to the first 1,000 applicants. Price is £200 for the 6-week course. Includes snacks and laxative. Sign up now!

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Anyway it is so nice to be here in the College, in the good association of people who only speak about Vedic matters. Here's a conversation I overheard at the college:

There was this little girl speaking to her father who apparently is relatively new at the Vedic College. The dad was asking his daughter what she wants to be when she grows up.

"A swami-medhi," the little girl replied.

"What's a swami-medhi?" asked her dad.

"Well, he's like a rich grihamedhi." She explained, "But unlike the grihamedhi who chases after his wife so he can do whatever she wants, a swami-medhi just lives in a private home or first class apartment in Santa Barbara or Beverly Hills or Chicago or Vrindavana. He orders his servants to cook, clean, do his laundry and massage him every day. Swami-medhis just sit around and say wise-sounding things they make up and get worshipped for it."

"No dear, that's wrong." Her dad corrected her sternly. "You can't do that. It's an abuse of the system."

"But why can't I be a swami-medhi," she insisted.

"Because only boys can be swami-medhis. Maybe we can have your brother take sannyasa and when he becomes a rich swami-medhi, we can all go live with him!"

"Yes, Dad."