ISKCON Bans Its Own Preachers Gee whiz, I read some really good news in yesterday's Sun: ISKCON is banning its own preachers. This reminds me of a story I heard some time back:
About fifty years ago in Alabama, Jesus came walking by a Christian church and noticed a forlorn black kid sobbing on the sidewalk. "Why are you crying?" the Savior asked the lad. "Because they won't let me into the church," the boy responded. "Well, don't cry over that, son," Lord Jesus replied gently, "They don't let me in there either!"
And, gosharootie, that's a good thing, because in the evolution of religion there comes a point in time when there just isn't room left any longer for the original teachings. I mean, darn it, that's progress, isn't it? Just ask ISKCON's Minister of Communications.
Heck, are we going to sit around like a herd of dinosaurs stuck in the Stone Age? Come on, Prabhus, this is 2012 and change is good! We devotees need to move forward with the times and to redefine our values up to the standards of current trends. Fortunately, our GBC has expertly speculated exactly what needs changing in the books and in the philosophy so that we can please society. And that includes whichever parts of the original teachings just need to be banned altogether. My goodness me, that's what the GBC is for. I'm all for it. Why, when householders can banish sannyasis, it demonstrates genuine modern application of a New Age sort of Vedic civilization and culture.
A Holy Swami Maa of ISKCON Well, gosh, don't get me wrong. I believe in submissiveness and service in marriage as much as the next Mataji. The problem I have is that none of my five ex-husbands agreed about which one of us should be submissive. Sadly, none of them would surrender and submit to serving me. So at our latest Mataji Get-together, the Tea Party with the girls, I gave a little talk about my close friend, Dingdangini devi.
Oh, you know Dingdangini Mataji. She was initiated by one of those early ISKCON gurus who didn't know Sanskrit, so they just named disciples with whatever came out of their mouths. Anyway, Dingdangini devi found herself in a dead end relationship because her husband was in Maya and demanded constant service. Jeepers, all that poor lady ever heard was, "Turn off that damn television, cook, do the laundry." Poor thing!
She knew what her eternal constitutional position was: her job was only to cook for and serve visiting sannyasis and GBC members. So her husband, to spite her, took sannyasa from some babaji he met at a train station in Delhi. Right on the platform with all the beggars looking on. He did this in order to force her to serve him. In that way he figured he would exploit her penchant for serving swamis. Well, Dingdangini devi was no fool. She went out and found one of those women swami disciples of Kirtanananda like Malati Maharaja, and took sannyasa from her. Now Dingdangini devi is known as Holy Ma Expanded Goodness Swami … and now her husband does all the cooking and cleaning for the Maharani, I mean Maharaja. And thankfully her home life has returned to normal.
Ladies Tea Party I just mentioned the Ladies Tea Party I recently attended. Well, my gracious me, let me share the enlightened and inspiring events of that fabulous get-together (which you, my loyal fans, will find on Dandavats). I mean, this wonderful presentation of feminism is a far better article than anything yours truly could ever come up with, so why not just click on the link and have a gander at what Krishna consciousness is really all about these days? One caveat: this is for enlightened readers only. No cave men, puh-lease.
New Minister of Propaganda at ISKCON News The latest news from ISKCON News is that a new Minister of Selective Propaganda has replaced the old minister, Bhaktin Hermione, effective immediately. Hermione has been suddenly transferred to an ashram called Gulag Archipelago somewhere on an island off North Korea for certain corrective assignments and re-education.
And, voila, the new minister is Bhakta Slavomir of Belarus.
When I inquired from Bhakta Slavomir about why my old friend Bhaktin Hermione lost her job, Slavomir informed me that it was due to her innumerable offenses.
It seems as though the followers of Sathya Sai Baba were much offended because in glorifying that "Indian guru", she failed to describe his many miracles like producing bhashma ash (even though she did credit him with being a religious guru). This grave oversight was certainly hurtful to the sentiments of Sri Sathya Sai's millions of followers.
Again, ISKCON News accurately portrayed the yeoman service to the great cause of World Hinduism that Hindu pioneer, Vivekananda performed when he single-handedly introduced Hinduism, the universal doctrine of philosophical thought, to the West. But the article stopped short at mentioning that Vivekananda's teacher is a directly-empowered avatar. More offenses created by Hermione.
Further, ISKCON News did reprint a poem by Mother Teresa and generously compared the Founder-Acharya of ISKCON to her in a favorable light. But the article was offensive and caused grief to her Christian converts because there was no mention of her Nobel Prize. Neither did the article explain the sound reasoning behind Mother Teresa's followers eating beef. Again, Mother Hermione's oversight has caused the GBC website much unnecessary embarrassment.
As one of her most egregious flubs, Mother Hermione allowed the printing of the article about Radhanath's meeting with Obama without divulging the insightful spiritual instructions that Radhanath received from the wise President. This was terribly upsetting to the entire Democratic Party, who threatened to boycott ISKCON News if Hermione was not removed.
And ISKCON News couldn't keep up with the hate mail they received about their lack of sensitivity in their frequent presentations of Interfaith dialogue. Sure, Interfaith preaching is a wonderful thing, since all religions are equal anyway. But ISKCON News stopped short of mentioning that the only way to God is through either Falun Da meditation or tribal animism. Hermione should have known better. No wonder the GBC got so agitated. The serious concern caused to the followers of these religions is incalculable. Bear in mind that Falun Da is an ancient religion that dates back well over forty years and— by jingo—Hermione should have seen that those points were mentioned.
It was a great surprise to Mother Hermione that instead of joining the Cruise Ship Swamis in their little jaunt around Europe, she got a one-way ticket to No Man's Land. Duh. Bhaktin Hermione got exactly what she deserved! Offenses like hers, just against the followers of Sathya Sai Baba or Mother Teresa cannot be tolerated by members of our religion, don't ya know.
GBC Vyasa Puja Remember that this coming December 25th, Christmas, is the release date for the GBC Vyasa Puja book, so get your obsequious doggerel submitted now. Well, I never! I mean I never criticize our beloved GBC, since they are the empowered divine body of truth, justice and the ISKCON Way. This year the "GBC Honors Volume", as it is officially called, will have a special treat: a 45-minute CD of yours truly performing my Hymn to the GBC. It is sung to the tune of the American rock and roll standard, "Peggy Sue" by Buddy Holly.
And as a preview, I'll share with you one of the 108 verses.
GBC, I love thee
‘Cause of what you do to me
Oh jeebee,
My GBC, uh-eee, uh eee eee eee
Oh well I love you now
Let me serve you, GBC!It is only my loving devotion for the GBC that keeps me in this movement. And if the GBC wants to divide up the world again into their private zones, well my opinion as their faithful devotee and follower is that they can have it!
The Passing of Bhakta Jo Well, today I heard about the sad passing of Bhakta Jo, a tireless worker of indeterminate gender at the devotee-run Vegan Vahalla Eatery in LA. Bhakta Jo was a leader in workers' rights reform and s/he campaigned tirelessly for the six-hour work day and health care benefits that included babysitters for devotees' pet cats. Jo was always absorbed in katha about the time s/he delivered food to the far out yoga guru Babaji Wow! Eternal. Always exemplary, s/he worked full six-hour shifts even when s/he could have been home watching the Lakers, Dodgers or the Olympics. Of course you always had to count your change very carefully when Jo was at the register, but that was part of her/his unique character.
Bhakta Jo was swept out to sea by a rip tide at Venice Beach last Thursday, while showing devotee tourists from Canada the shoreline sights. The weightlifters on the beach were too busy signing the visiting devotees' autograph books to notice poor Jo's plight.
Unfortunately Jo's funeral could not be attended by devotees, who were too absorbed with work responsibilities and salary negotiations to be bothered, but some did send their best wishes. However, as part of the worker's package Bhakta Jo strove so hard to attain, the funeral was attended by a group of professional actors from the Local Mourner's Union 387. Jo was laid to rest not far from Cucamonga at Eternal Happiness Lawn of Death Cemetery. Jo's charming smile and friendly wave will be certainly be missed. But, heck, I won't have to be so careful with counting my change anymore, either.
Well, Heavens Me! While we're on the subject of death, I have to admit that I'm a little irked at ex-GBC Giriraja Maharaja for not including me in his book, Many Moons. I do understand his reasoning why he was unable to write me up, though. It's because I'm not dead yet. It is true that for most of us, the best thing you can do to get yourself worshiped is to die. Just see how many devotees have been living hand to mouth, but as soon as they get the word that Yamaraja would like to meet them, then presto, there's a Devotee Care Hospice representative just waiting for them with open arms. Well, who isn't torn between being next in line and the sweet revenge of outliving all my enemies? There are hidden benefits around each corner, and so little time.
As Holy Ma Expanded Goodness Swami always says, "He who dies with the most initiations wins."
Well, that's all, err, Prabhus!
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