Dear B. Radha Govinda Swami:
I am attached to too many things. Why should i care so much anymore, except for devotional service, as death is coming soon and i get to get out of here. It has all been pain, a few bright spots, all of them due to Krsna consciousness, that is the realization, so no use being attached, because before i know it, i will be dead and gone anyway.
So let me preach and chant and not worry about trying to make life comfortable or liveable beyond bare necessities. Yes, let me take care of necessary business and responsibilities, but if one thinks that wife family friends will back one up, one is fooling oneself, as they are but fallible soldiers, it is a lie, a lie that will kill one early and break ones heart and mind if allowed.
No one cares about me, not really, not on this planet where it is dog eat dog. Only Godhead even knows who i am in truth. On the drop of a hat, so called friends, even disciples, they turn on one and poison you.. Even ones own mother is an agent of maya., and when it comes down to it, most of them usually thinks of herself, first. Thus abortion and abandonment and surrendering one to slaughtehouse schools, police, authorities etc. Women are controlled by social rules and false ego first. Individual loyalty to a cause or a person is second for them, and for most men also. There are very few exceptions, and they too change when it suits them.
I was so stupid to trust a neophyte and mad woman here in Vlad the Impalers homeland, who as soon as things did not go her way, poisonned me and did not look back even. All her pretensions of love etc were all meant for her own material sense gratification, and those senses will ruin her also after trying to ruin me... I could do nothing, was powerless to prevent it.
I am not the controller of my own destiny unless i surrender to Krsna and He directs. A person who is not serving Krsna is serving maya and is thus our enemy for real, should not be trusted, as they will kill us if it becomes best for their own desires. Maya will direct them to inflict all kinds of pains and wounds, she is cruel beyond imagination and smarter than we are.
One has little option, to become Krsna conscious and hope for mercy, or to try hard merely to have ones dreams smashed like clay tablets on a stone, to shatter and die and be forgotten.
Hare Krsna, pamho.
Replies
What is the ticket to Go Back to Godhead?
Srila Prabhupada says in his translation & Purport for SRI CAITANYA CARITAMRUTA (Adi lila : 1-56)
One should try to purchase a ticket to go back home, back to Godhead. The price of such a ticket is one's intense desire for it, which is not easily awakened, even if one continuously performs pious activities for thousands of lives. All mundane relationships are sure to be broken in the course of time, but once one establishes a reiationship with the Personality of Godhead in a particular rasa, it is never to be
broken, even after the annihilation of the material world.